Inward – Outward reaction

Isn t it silly? You think you re an expert on depression but when your dearest is deep down low you stand like a question mark? Well, maybe it is because I m beating myself inwardly and he bursts out against others. As an HSP I take it all on me, thinking it s my fault. How can I stop this automatic reaction? At the same time, I  give back the same coin as he s ”asking for”. I don t want to cry as I did when I was younger when treated the same way. Why don t I listen and read between the lines? I m so busy defending myself.